I Got 99 Problems but a BIG Ain't One
I Got 99 Problems but a BIG Ain't One
I was out to dinner with a good friend of mine last Sunday and she was giving me an update about an on-again-off-again boyfriend/lover/f*ckboy she’s been seeing for over 20 years. Don’t know why I even ask for an update at this point because it’s been the same rhetoric since before smartphones existed. No joke.
I told her (and have told her), “MOVE ON! You’re in your 40s. You want to be in a relationship. He doesn’t.”
Then she responded, “But he’s my BIG!”
And that’s when I realized that handsome motherf*cker, also ruined my earlier love life… and it’s still (unwillingly) ruining hers.
Allow me to explain.
As women in America we’re vigorously trained by the media (hear me out hear me out hear me out) that in order for a relationship to really mean something, you have to go through hoops and hurdles to get to a decent place.
CASE AND POINT:
Big & Carrie
Ross & Rachel
Ryan Gosling & Rachel McAdams (The Notebook)
Gilmore Girls
The Office
Even Dawson’s Creek, for crying outloud, had us guessing if it was gonna be Dawson or Pacey.
But at the ripe ol’ age of 41 I now see this ain’t normal!!!! LIKE AT ALL!
And yet, so many of us fabulous, smart women are still buying into the outdated myth that love must be this high drama docu-series in order for it to be considered worthy.
Take Mr. Big and Carrie… homeboy spends six exhausting seasons emotionally unavailable, dismissive, and unable to commit. Then series finale, he sweeps in to "rescue" Carrie. 17 year-old-Idalia swooned.
I really drank the Kool-Aid that if, as women, we jussssssssst wait long enough, suffer enough, and prove yourself enough, the man who has repeatedly let you down will magically change.
And boy did I pay the heavy price for believing this. I created drama that wasn’t necessary. I also became unavailable myself, dismissive, and unable to commit.
I believed that emotional unavailability was mistaken for depth. The “chase” is glorified, while the solid, stable, and genuinely loving relationships are dismissed as boring.
But here’s a truth bomb: Healthy love is not boring.
Healthy love means you’re not constantly decoding texts, second-guessing feelings, or wondering where you stand. Just like my friend, who was still showing me texts asking me what I thought he meant. “He” being her “BIG".” 🙄
The couples I admire, the ones who’ve been together 10, 20, 30 years, aren’t playing out some long-winded, exhausting will-they-won’t-they storyline. They communicate. They respect each other. They don’t neeeeeeeed grand gestures to prove their love because their love is present in the everyday moments.
This is something that my husband taught me. He met me as Carrie (no really, I was in NYC, working a fashion job, and my ex was a finance bro). I broke up with him three times within the year because things can’t be thattttt easy. What’s the catch? He can’t be that nice… that good… that emotionally available.
Thank goodness his patience outweighed my foolishness.
I started going to therapy again. I started unlearning everything I thought was “cool” and “normal.” I started prioritizing love and vulnerability.
So if you find yourself holding out for your own version of Mr. Big, waiting for an inconsistent, unavailable man to suddenly become your forever person, ask yourself: Why do I believe love has to be hard?
Because the real lesson here is this:
Love isn’t meant to be a rollercoaster. It’s meant to be a home.
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XX Idalia