PS: Not everyone has to like you
Source: Unknown
PS: Not everyone has to like you
I get it. I get it because I’m a people pleaser. Hi, my name is Idalia Salsamendi, and I’m a chronic people-pleaser.
(((“Hi, Idalia.”)))
Ever since I could remember I’ve had this constant inner mission to make sure that whoever crosses my path thinks that I’m worthy. As a child, I sought validation from not only my peers and family, but also teachers, coaches, parents’ of friends. Now this didn’t mean I would sell my soul; I'm no stranger to confrontations and speak my mind with passion when it comes to moral issues. But when it came to work and everyday life, my innate need to feel accept would eat away at me. Mix this people-pleasing “skill” with my highly competitive nature and what do you get? Anxiety and thinking you’re never “enough.”
As I grew into an adult, I began becoming aware of these behavioral patterns and started questioning them. Why do I think I need to please everyone? Why do I put the needs of others above my own? Why do I sacrifice my own health and mental sanity so that others can think of me as hard-working and fearless? Why do I think that everyone has to like me?
What’s the price to people-pleasing?
Full liberation comes when your validation comes from within, not with-out.
I’m happy to say that I never learned the full price of living a life of people-pleasing quite frankly because I’ve stopped. Okay, well maybe not fully stopped, but hey I’m not perfect and this is a process, right? Working in the industry I work in (high fashion and digital marketing), there’s this false sense of always needing to be better, prettier, smarter, more creative, more inventive, etc etc etc. Let me not get started on social media. It’s a never-ending reminder of how fabulous your life is supposed to be.
So what now? Did I just come out of my people-pleasing cocoon and emerge an egotistical and narcissistic butterfly? No. Not at all.
By learning my triggers and learning that I have to put my health and my concerns in the forefront, I’ve actually evolved into a more empathic and caring person. I’ve learned to trust people more, and in return, people trust in me more now than ever. The conundrum is easy to solve. If my glass isn’t full (or at least half full), how can I possible give to others? If I’m not keeping my finger on my preverbal pulse, how can I expect others to do the same? Perhaps even more importantly, how can I do the same for others? The journey of self-care has been one of extreme awakening and releasing. Sure I get the twitch often of wanting to stop my life for someone else, but the difference now is that when I do stop, it’s because it’s a conscious decision, and it comes from a self-less place. I want to stop. I want to help you. I want to listen to you. I’m doing it for you, not for me. Not for my need to fulfill my people-pleasing duties. When we set boundaries, it may hurt the ego of the person on the receiving (or shall I say, not receiving) end. That’s okay. Notice I wrote “the ego of the person” not “the person” themselves. There’s the key.
Here are some questions I ask myself whenever I see myself falling into the people-pleasing hole. It allows me to differentiate between my ego (Oh, look at me, I’m the greatest fire-putter-outter in the history of the universe) versus my selflessness (Oh, this person really needs me right now. I want to be fully present to help them):
Am I helping this person because I want them to like me or because I think I can be of benefit to them?
Will this person stop liking me because I can’t give into their every whim?
What would literally happen if this person stopped liking me? (I legit mean LITERALLY!)
Which is better for my mental health? Saying YES to this person, or saying NO?
Why do I feel the need to gain this person’s acceptance?